there were periods of time in sf where i was really lonely.
like get on the bus and ride until night-time because there's no one. no one looking for you, no one calling for you, no one wondering where you are. even though i was going to school and had friends everywhere, it was like this secret i had to keep that i was so alone. i'd get on the first bus that came, and then ride it until it came back, or i could get on another bus, or it took me to a place that i liked. my favorite spot was sutro baths, at the end of geary st. i'd walk around for hours taking photos and eating m&m's or drinking sparks (...depended on what kind of day it was.) i could pretend i had a purpose for being there besides that i had no purpose. but it was so beautiful, and would take your breath away, and then pretending it wasn't pathetic. one day i decided to walk from sutro baths to the zoo, that was a long walk. i started walking, and it doesn't look very far on the map, but then you realize there's no place to stop to get a pop, and you keep walking. and then you're tired but there's no bus stops and no nothing, and it starts to get desperate and by the time you get to the zoo you're about ready to collapse. but you still have to find the trolley, and then wait, and then get off at the bus stop, and then wait, get on the bus, and then walk home and not get raped. by the time you get home you feel like you've been through alot, and get to sleep easier, and not sit up cyber stalking someone or worrying about the future.
it's strange to think about that feeling, pushing yourself and hoping to get lost. it's like you always wonder if you've come out the other side of the tunnel and don't want to feel like that anymore. you kind of hope so, that you don't want to keep on feeling like that for the rest of your life. but at the same time it's so sad and sweet that you can't imagine leaving. hoping to get lost so then you have a new chance at finding yourself.





is there really any question as to why i won the bad poetry contest? i didn't think so.