there were periods of time in sf where i was really lonely.
like get on the bus and ride until night-time because there's no one. no one looking for you, no one calling for you, no one wondering where you are. even though i was going to school and had friends everywhere, it was like this secret i had to keep that i was so alone. i'd get on the first bus that came, and then ride it until it came back, or i could get on another bus, or it took me to a place that i liked. my favorite spot was sutro baths, at the end of geary st. i'd walk around for hours taking photos and eating m&m's or drinking sparks (...depended on what kind of day it was.) i could pretend i had a purpose for being there besides that i had no purpose. but it was so beautiful, and would take your breath away, and then pretending it wasn't pathetic. one day i decided to walk from sutro baths to the zoo, that was a long walk. i started walking, and it doesn't look very far on the map, but then you realize there's no place to stop to get a pop, and you keep walking. and then you're tired but there's no bus stops and no nothing, and it starts to get desperate and by the time you get to the zoo you're about ready to collapse. but you still have to find the trolley, and then wait, and then get off at the bus stop, and then wait, get on the bus, and then walk home and not get raped. by the time you get home you feel like you've been through alot, and get to sleep easier, and not sit up cyber stalking someone or worrying about the future.
it's strange to think about that feeling, pushing yourself and hoping to get lost. it's like you always wonder if you've come out the other side of the tunnel and don't want to feel like that anymore. you kind of hope so, that you don't want to keep on feeling like that for the rest of your life. but at the same time it's so sad and sweet that you can't imagine leaving. hoping to get lost so then you have a new chance at finding yourself.





is there really any question as to why i won the bad poetry contest? i didn't think so.

my parents are away on vacation-i'm not really sure where, they just drove off and said take care of the dog and cat please. maybe colorado. so i'm watching the dog and cat and making sure they have food and water, to help me do this job, my mom left the fridge full of food. do you like pickled beets? me too! they grew in the garden and my mom fixed them up good, there's more food from her garden than i can even start to eat. i have a huge bowl of cucumber salad that i made from cukes in the garden, it's a perfect summer food. cucumbers, tons of salt, tomatos, onions, dill, pepper and lots of sour cream. deeeelicious. they have the good liquor too, though i haven't drank any...yet. things have been all topsy turvy in my mind these last few weeks, stressed out and freaking out about everything. going nuts. i'm treating this like a retreat, this housesitting. my mom and dads house is nice and clean and full of food and everything just right. the bike path is right by here, so i have a nice little bike ride to work in the morning. i can sleep in a nice big bed and shower in a nice big shower, feed the cat who hates me while i'm going pee, put the tv on timer and fall asleep. mom has a sweet set up to scan negatives, tonight i'm just going to just sit here, eat pickled beets, listen to old time radio, and scan negatives until i'm tired. taking some time out for number one, you know? take a chill pill and sort things out.

this is a photo from last winter, one of the negatives i've scanned thus far. i was kind of broke when i got them developed, plus i had alot to process, so i sent them to a dirt cheap place in kansas. and aww geez, i think there was about 3oz of chemicals in their processor, their processor that has octagonal rollers and rocks. it never pays in the end to be thrifty on things like this.