Saturday, October 14, 2006

it's early. at least too early for me, 7:30am on a saturday morning. it seems like i just went to bed, and i did. our pesky church neighbors are congregating in front of our house (and their church), waking me up with their chatting. everyone has their car or truck parked on the sidewalks for the whole block, trunks open and full of suitcases and bags. i'm hoping they're packing up and going back to el salvador. my phone is mad at me, beeping and telling me how many phone messages i have, all from the same person. all messages i deliberately avoided last night, leaving my phone at home while euna and i went to walgreens and bought candy and what i call "panty savers". there's a lynda barry drawing about marly when she tries be friends with a crazy dog in an alley, and has to take all this time and care to come pet it with out it biting her. when the dog finally lets her pet it and she gets up to leave, it starts growling and getting scary eyes and won't let her go. found it! (god i'm good! cept it was a cousin and not marlys...)

that lynda barry is sure great. i think about that story all the time. now the church people is all gone, and i finished the cupcake i took home from work, and am about to drink some tea i took home from work. and i guess it's good that i got up early, cuz i have to be at work by 6 tomorrow morning and i'm not sleepy at night unless i got up early. i stayed up late last night with euna, she heard me on the phone and we went to walgreens and then ate tons of snacks while watching cable tv and she told me it's the right thing to leave the phone upstairs. if there's nothing i can do about it, i try not to miss people. ellie's on tour, and i really want to talk to her, but i just have to wait until she gets home. i miss ted, he spends entirely too much time with his girlfriend, so i'll just have to wait until he comes home to change clothes or something. i miss my family, but that's why we have technology. i missed you, and against my better judgement, i knew it was possible to see you if i called. and i called and it was a mistake and i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry about everything. i miss holding you, but i don't want to get back together with you. i miss the being that is you, but i don't miss the fighting and i don't miss the bad, and i don't miss the struggle to keep things together. i missed being in a relationship, and there's a you-shaped hole in my heart, but what i don't miss is how i used to miss me. i hated missing taura when we were together. and i've made a million analogys about it, and they're all true because that's just how things are, like a 20 sided dice. you probably won't read this, but that's ok. not talking to you is part of the process. and so is missing you.

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